the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
