Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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