I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
