I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
