The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
