i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Is Oprah even human
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
