guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Randomize
