You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
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Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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