I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
