Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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