I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
