I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
