I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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