so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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