I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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