It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
