The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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