You were right. It hurts to walk today.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
