i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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