just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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