Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
