He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
