none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
