I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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