We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
