It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
