i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
