i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
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He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
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All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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