I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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