She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
