that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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