I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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