even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
