i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
