he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
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I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
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I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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