Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
