Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
