You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
