the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I could make wine with my vomit
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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