My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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