we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
