and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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