Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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