The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
