We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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