[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
