two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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