well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
