I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
