I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
