I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
