Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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