Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
