I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
