She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
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