I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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