I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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