I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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