can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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